Things you do not say to a military wife

1. "Aren't you afraid that he'll be killed?"
(This one ranks in at number one on the "duh" list. Of course we're
afraid. We're terrified. The thought always lingers at the backs of our
minds ---but thanks brilliant, you just brought it back to the front.
Maybe next you can go ask someone with cancer if they're scared of
dying.)

2. "I don't know how you manage. I don't think I could do it."
(This is intended to be a compliment. Though, its just a little
annoying. Here's why: it's not like all of us military wives have been
dreaming since childhood of the day we'd get to be anxious single moms
who carry cell phones with us to the bathroom and in the shower. We're
not made of some mysterious matter that makes us more capable, we just
got asked to take on a challenging job. So we rose to the challenge and
found the strength to make sacrifices.)

3. "At least he's not in Iraq."
(This is the number one most annoying comment for those whose husbands
are in Afghanistan. What do they think is happening in Afghanistan? An
international game of golf? Guys are fighting and dying over there.)

4. "Do you think he'll get to come home for
Christmas/anniversary/birthday/birth of a child/wedding/family reunion,
etc?"
(Don't you watch the news? No! They don't get to come home for any of
these things. Please don't ask again.)

5. "What are you going to do to keep yourself busy while he's gone?"
(Short answer: Try to keep my sanity. Maybe there's a military wife out
there who gets bored when her husband leaves, but I have yet to meet
her. For the rest of us, those with and without children, we find
ourselves having to be two people. That keeps us plenty busy. We do get
lonely, but we don't get bored, and drinking massive amounts of wine
always helps keep me busy.)

6. "How much longer does he have until he can get out?"
(This one is annoying to many of us whether our husbands are deployed or
not. Many of our husbands aren't counting down the days until they "can"
get out. Many of them keep signing back up again and again because they
actually love what they do or they VOLUNTEER AGAIN and AGAIN to go back
to Iraq b/c there is work that needs to be done.)

7. "This deployment shouldn't be so bad, now that you're used to it."
(Sure, we do learn coping skills and its true the more deployments
you've gone through, the easier dealing with it becomes. And we figure
out ways to make life go smoother while the guys are gone. But it never
gets "easy" and the bullets and bombs don't skip over our guys just
because they've been there before. The worry never goes away.)

8. "My husband had to go to Europe for business once for three weeks. I
totally know what you're going through."
(This one is similar to number two. Do not equate your husband's three
week trip to London/Omaha/Tokyo/etc. with a 12-15 month or more
deployment to a war zone. Aside from the obvious time difference, nobody
shot at your husband or tried to blow him up with an I.E.D., your
husband could call home pretty much any time he wanted to, he flew
comfortably on a commercial plane, slept between crisp white sheets and
ate well, paying for everything with an expense account. There is no
comparison. We do not feel bonded to you in the slightest because of
this comment and, if anything, we probably resent you a bit for it.
Comparing a 12 month combat deployment to a few weeks business trip is
like comparing a shitty ford taurus with mercedes convertible.)

9. "Wow you must miss him?"
(This one also gets antoher big "duh". Of course we miss our men. There
are some wives who do not and they're now divorced.)

10. "Where is he exactly? Where is that?"
(I don't expect non-military folks to be able to find Anbar Province on
a map, but they should know by now that it's in Iraq. Likewise, know
that Kabul and Kandahar are in Afghanistan. Know that Muqtada al Sadr is
the insurgent leader of the Mahdi Army in Iraq and that Sadr City is his
home area. Know that Iran is a major threat to our country and that it
is located between Afghanistan and Iraq. Our country has been at war in
Afghanistan for seven years and at war in Iraq for five years. These
basic facts are not secrets, they're on the news every night and in the
papers every day ---and on maps everywhere.)

11. "Well, he signed up for it, so it's his own fault whatever happens
over there.
(Yes, ignorant, he did sign up. Each and every day he protects your
right to make stupid comments like that. He didn't sign up and ask to be
hit by anything, he signed up to protect his country. Oh, and by the
way, he asked me to tell you that "You're welcome." He's still fighting
for your freedom.)

12. "Don't you miss sex! I couldn't do it!"
(hmmm, no i don't miss sex. i'm a robot. seriously...military spouses
learn quickly that our relationships must be founded on something
greater than sex. We learn to appreciate the important things, like
simply hearing their voices, seeing their faces, being able to have
dinner together every night. And the hard truth is, most relationships
probably couldn't withstand 12 months of sex deprivation.)

13. "Well in my opinion....."
(Stop right there. Yo, I didn't ask for you your personal political
opinions. Hey, I love a heated political debate, but not in the grocery
store, not in Jamba Juice, not at Nordstrom, not in a bar when I'm out
with my girls trying to forget the war, and CERTAINLY NOT AT WORK. We
tell co-workers about deployments so when we have to spend lunch hours
running our asses off doing errands and taking care of the house, dog,
and kids, they have an understanding. We do not tell co-workers and
colleagues because we are giving an invitation to ramble about politics
or because we so eagerly want to hear how much they hate the President,
esp. while we're trying to heat up our lean cuisines in the crappy
office microwaves.)

last but not least....

14. "OH, that's horrible...I'm so sorry!"
(He's doing his job and he's a badass. Don't be sorry. Be appreciative
and please take a moment out of your comfortable American lives to
realize that our soldiers fight the wars abroad so those wars stay
abroad.)


If you want to say anything, say thank you. After all, we are sexually
deprived for your freedom

I stole this from another post on cafemom. Made me smile...

I always laugh at school because I hear those things on an almost daily basis.

Oh, and the stupid questions. Like "What's a casualty?" The "at least he's not in Iraq pisses me off. I wish he was in Iraq vice where he is and has been for this deployment. Pay attention to the news people. But that gets me on a whole new soapbox...

I haven't had to experience any of the deployment comments. My friend did say "I could never do it. You're so strong." All I could respond with was "Not really".

I love number 14. "He's doing his job and he's a badass." That's right...dammit.

Ya, I hear those from my coworkers at LEAST once a week. None of them remember ANYTHING I tell them.

I've gotten all of these. Especially the "Be grateful he isn't deployed". I am grateful, but does that mean that I'm not going to miss him? Bullshit. I don't need people telling me how I should or should not feel and people doing so pisses me off. I appreciate suggestions, but not commands. As for co-workers and bosses... holy heck, my boss asked me why I didn't drive to DB's new station on the day she was giving me 3 people's worth of work. Piss off!

oh lord soap box time.......warning if you get easliy offended....DO NOT READ lol... I don't have a problem any of these questions. I think these questions are not rude, or not ment to be. I get asked these by people who aren't military all the time. I personally think to myself I'm happy he is on a Meu rather in Afghanistan and I would say the same if he were in Iraq. DH knows how i feel about this situation. Missing them is given but I get to sleep at night and know Dh is safe....that is RARE in a deployment and hell ya I better be greatful. I got chewed out by my therapist when I said "oh well thats good at least it isn't afghanistan" and I got a new heine lol. I looked at her and said be happy you get phone calls and regular mail and internet....because cookie afghanistan isn't like Al Aasad....but this was last year when military was new to doing heaving insurgents more in afghanistan. I also say I'm thankful we aren't in the army...15 month deployments are hard, and while a year deployment is becoming more common in marines...I'm appreciative that we can realy on 7 months. I would rather people come up to me and say those things because they don't know any better....than say their opinion of the war. At least it is positive not negative from people more times then not and at least they are trying to be supportive. So if people are really getting to sensitive about those questions quick telling people your spouse is in the military and he is deployed and such. There problem solved. All of us need to be thankful this isn't vietam where the troops were not as supportive but spit on more times then not. And to the comment at the end of that rediculous email no one should have to say thank you. If it bothers you that you are so sexually deprived by a BOB! I would rather educate people on the positive of the life in the military than bite someone's head off for sayin the wrong thing, because this girl couldn't put her big girl pantys on about the deployment. Same thing with having twins if I have to hear "are they twins? Are they girls? Oh you poor thing? Oh my cousin has twins? Which one is more evil?" one more time I would like to scream but I don't. You suck it up and say thank you yes they are. As you can see this is a huge soap box for me. I'm not going to tailor my tounge around another military wife....because it might "upset her". My grandparents did it, my parents did it, and you never hear them complain, why should I? But I complain and lord knows I am not perfect. But I try to remember what my grandmother when through during the korean war. I have a walk in the park compared to her. Lordy Lordy better quick posting while on percocet lol I can' spell. Love ya ladies.

I think the "sexually deprived for your freedom" thing is trashy. I'm just sayin'.