Not so much a vent but...

I hate having 2 in law families! Chris is adopted and is in contact with his birth family and adopted. So I get to juggle his hard to please adopted mom, birth mom who i wouldn't trust to watch our cat, and the extremely fussy rugrat. Plus my mother who is oh so fun and frustrating. I just got an email from Chris' adopted mom saying that she isn't coming to Chris' graduation because of an angry letter he sent her.

Hey,
I wanted to let you
know that a few things have changed for us here in Severn.
I
received a letter from Chris that was so upsetting and full of very
hurtful accusatory remarks towards me that I have decided not to attend
his graduation.
Glenn was having a hard time working things out at
work. He needs to change his vacation time in order to make the trip. But since he works for a union they won't let him change it. We were
going to stretch his weekend but they aren't too crazy about that
either. So he has decided not to go. I had planned to go as you know but
I just can't now.
I am sorry it really breaks my heart to miss this
but Chris has made the decision for me.
I really don't want to put
you in the middle of anything between he and I so I will say that I told
him in a letter that he should have been the one to let me know that
his birth-mother was thinking about coming .... not you. And that it
really wasn't a big deal anyway. And I didn't know that you knew when
his graduation was so I hadn't contacted you. And he followed that up
with some pretty ugly statements of " it royally pissed me off"..." I got much bigger things on my
mind"........"I just hope you realize that I've got some bigger issues
on my mind other than some petty ass shit" .....Then he tells me that
you know every thing and have set it all up and ..." I don't know
anything"...."she (birth mom) talked to Julia" ......"I feel that what
you said was out of line.....if you two run into each other...you will
be civil ....or I will walk away...and let you too look stupid..."
Ok
??
I understand he is under some pressure but it was all what he
wanted.Now with the last part of the letter he said if something got
started at his graduation he would be pissed off at the both of us. That
was low I have never "STARTED ANYTHING" .At this point I am done and he
can have it.
You two can have a nice quiet flight back and IF he
wanted to come and see us OK. His last quote was " I hope you get over
it fast"
NOT!!!
Please don't be upset with me I really didn't
mean to get anything started. And I really do not feel that I deserved
to be talked to like that.
As a mother, and yes I am his mother, I
have drawn the line here.

Love you and Connor,
XXXXXXXX

I am trying to word my response very nice. I feel bad that his birth mom knew when the graduation was before she did. That was partially because his birth mom calls me at least twice a freakin week His birth mom isn't going because she can't afford to and her oldest son (Chris' half brother) who had over 20 grand at the beginning of February and told Chris he would be there, can't go because he blew it all. (The birth mom was even a little upset about that.) I feel horrible. I want to cry. No matter how much Chris may act like he hates his adopted parents, they mean a lot to him. I am just starting to get along with the adopted mom. I don't want to have to tell him they're not coming. But I don't want to try to convince her to go through an email. I know she won't change her mind. She is so freakin stubborn. I know, Chris definatly got that from her AAAAHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!! So here is what I have as a response so far:
I understand. He hasn't told me about the letter. Not yet at least. I
know your his mother. You are and always will be more of a mother than
his birth mom. I would like you all to come but also seeing how
scheduling didn't work out I understand that too. His birth mom is not
coming because she can't afford to. She just told me all that. I told
him that I wanted him to tell you that she wanted to go because I didn't
feel it was my place. Sorry he wrote you a letter like that. I know he
has been dealing with a lot and I have gotten a few letters where he is
yelling at me (over really dumb things). But hopefully when he gets back
he will have realized what he said. He may not have realized how it
came across. Or maybe I am just giving him the benefit of the doubt. I
know he would like you all there. I know he didn't expect his birth mom
to actually go.

What do you all think? I am still learning to deal with in-laws. I guess this is my big test, right?

Wow tough. I think its best to just stay out of it as much as possible.

I think you stayed on the middle of the fence and didn't take any sides in your email. Which is good.

Thanks. I just want to have a tantrum right now because I don't know what to do. At least the rugrat went to bed early. I think he's getting sick. He has been HORRIBLE all day and asked to go to bed at 630. He wouldn't even let me change him. Sleeping in his clothes

Next time (not in the email) should I ask her if she wants me to take a card down or something like that?
My family and their family are COMPLETELY different. No matter what I said in a letter my parents would be there at any and all graduations. Once it was over they would hand me the letter I wrote and make me feel like shit Ugh.. I think thats what is making this so hard

I think just leave it alone. Don't mention anything unless they write you about it.

Okay... I think I am going to try to sleep since I am now in a funk. Thanks for your in put and help. I sent the response. I added asking id she told Chris that she wasn't coming and if she wants I will tell him that Glenn couldn't get off.

That is a difficult letter. I think stay out of it. We had a similar situation with DH's birth father, my big mouth got involved and still am suffering the reprocutions of that one. He's a big boy and he will be able to deal with it.